You could take a nice girl out to dine
and romance her with flowers and wine,
but why spend the exertion
when with much less coercion
a shop-vac will suck you just fine?


If your shop-vac's still in operation
it can aid you with your defecation.
To get your dump really rollin'
apply the hose to your colon
and enjoy the nice pulling sensation!

Many women are fed up, it's said,
with poor cunnilingus in bed.
But its not so far flung
with a long enough tongue
to indulge in your own head instead.


Only flexible women pursue it;
while most others can't even construe it.
But an easier course
that I would endorse
is to get someone else to do it.


What I'd love is a wormhole in space
in a very particular place.
I'd try to contrive it
so one end's at my privates
and the other's attached to my face.

The internet's really quite super
with free pictures of sex in the pooper.
I can look at a site
with phat titties all night 
and then jerk myself into a stupor.


Far to the east there a place
where they subject their females to disgrace.
While guys all drink sake
the girls get bukkake
and gargle with jizz on their face.

You're a woman with stunning physique;
your style is chic and unique.
A girl of your grace
needs pee on her face -
so just sit there while I take a leak.


If straight sex results in frustration,
you might need a collaboration.
Just take two hard poles
insert in your holes,
and enjoy a double penetration!


When human dicks just won't suffice
you're in need of some more intense vice.
Most people lack charm,
so head down to the farm
where a studly horse feels twice as nice!


I went with some friends to smoke pot
through this brand new glass piece that I got.
I noticed the smell
But they couldn't tell
That the mouthpiece was in my girl's twat.


You might meet a girl at a souiree -
take her back to your place for a lay.
But if you find too much paunch
that rocket won't launch -
the beer gut must take right of way!